Men, FYI, Your Dicks Don’t Taste Like Ice Cream

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For the purpose of this piece, the men and women I’m talking to and about are cisgender and, probably, heterosexual. Men and women thankfully come in a variety of genital configurations, cis, trans, intersex, nonbinary, nongendered, and are asexual, homosexual, bisexual, queer, all sorts of things other than straight.

Which is good, cause it looks like the straights are at it again, making sex uncomfortable and weird for themselves.

The blog Brain Inspired asked 18 men why they don’t like eating women out. Because of the incredible insecurity posts like this can provide women, and the numerous ways women are often told by media that blow jobs are required to keep a man, I wanted to give some counterpoints from my experience as a sex worker who has, shall we say, a lot of experience with various sets of genitalia.

Reasons Men Cited For Not Eating Pussy:

The Look

Ok, so, one of the complaints that was cited more than once is that vulvas look weird. As someone who has probably watched as much porn as the average dude, I really don’t understand this, considering just labias alone come in a variety of types — long labias, non-existent labias, dark labias, flushed labias, lopsided labias, etc etc etc. Add to that the variety of sizes clitorises come in, and there’s incredible diversity in the look of a vulva!

That would be like women saying that while they enjoy sex with men, “dicks look weird” — there’s cut and uncut, narrow and thick, veiny and smooth, all sorts of penises in the world (and you know circumcision was recommended in the beginning to stop boys from masturbating, right?). I can’t imagine men taking such a generalization of “all dicks look weird” at face value, but then, they’ve been taught to feel entitled to blow jobs.

The Taste

We’re often taught that genitals are dirty, that the fluids they excrete are gross. Men tend to be particularly uncomfortable with cunts because they also bleed once a month — in my experience, many men, while perfectly comfortable with blood and even injury in the world of sports, become faint at the sign of blood on their cocks.

Additionally, we’re brought up to believe that our natural lubrication inherently tastes bad. However, that, too, varies from person to person, and has a lot to do with diet, sweat, and the balance of arousal fluids to natural secretions… something which is also true of semen, by the way.

The Smell

Once upon a time, not so long ago, women were so uncomfortable with how their pussies smelled they were encouraged to use Lysol to cover up their odors. No surprise, this is a Bad Idea that is more likely to encourage infections that cause the foul smells the women were trying to avoid in the first place. But the desire to make our cunts smell like flowers or fresh rain or morning dew is one I find incredibly strange… until I realize how accustomed we are to believing that our natural human scents are inherently gross.

The thing is, if you are maintaining basic hygiene and have a healthy balance of pH, your bits will maintain themselves with pretty minimal odor. Yes, you’ll have more of an aroma if you’re sweaty, or at certain times of the month, or when aroused — part of why is to attract a partner, after all, who is compatible with you and lusts after your scent. And if men think that their sweaty, hairy balls are scent-free… well, newsflash, they have just as much musk if not more so.

The Hair

“Hair makes the smell more potent”, one guy whined. Well, that bush actually helps protect you from bacteria and friction, meaning fewer rashes and fewer infections, and also? Yep, less bad odor. It also helps protect you against STIs, in that when you shave or wax, you create microtears that put you at risk. And odor is more likely to stick on bare skin, not less!

What I will never understand about straight cis men’s fear of pubic hair is that it doesn’t extend to *their* pubes — they never seem to be concerned at how their groin grooming looks, or makes them smell.

The Pain
Here’s one thing I can totally identify with — giving oral sex often means a repetitive movement for an extended period of time at an angle that’s probably not ergodynamic. I get it, it can be super tiring and painful. Of course, this is also true for blowjobs, fellas, and handjobs, so please do keep this in mind!

Still, there’s some ways you can help make giving oral less painful on your neck, such as a pillow under your hips to elevate your pelvis, facesitting, or sitting on the edge of a bed or in a chair for easier access. And don’t hesitate to explore (with the consent of your partner) the use of a vibrator or fingers while you’re giving her head, which might very well speed things along.

The Expectation

The final complaint I wanted to address was the man who said that women just like giving oral sex more than men do. I can absolutely tell you that’s not true. Not even close. In 14 years of sex work, almost every single client wanted to eat my pussy, and maybe a handful wanted a blowjob in exchange. Especially as men get older, I find they become more and more invested in learning how to pleasure via cunnilingus — and, frankly, I believe there’s been a cultural shift, where younger generations are more concerned about mutual pleasure now that sex is seen less as a thing men want and women tolerate.

Additionally, most of the partners I’ve had found blowjobs extremely difficult to ejaculate from, preferring other forms of stimulation in their relationships (which seems more common than people tend to admit judging from this Reddit thread). What’s not hot is expecting sexual service from a partner that you’re not going to reciprocate, especially when that expectation comes from outdated gender norms and not from clear communication.

To sum up? Dudes, you are freaking out about women’s genitals because you don’t really have any idea what YOUR genitals smell or taste like. Also, don’t forget our genitals all start out developmentally the same! It’s not really all that different — if you keep your junk and your pubes clean, and get tested for STIs regularly, you’ll taste, smell and look just fine. But please, god, don’t go on the internet and say rude things about vulvas. We get enough bullshit from society, we don’t need shaming from our dating pool, too.

Though for the record, my boyfriend tells me my pussy smells faintly of coffee, which I’m pretty pleased with.

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Professional Bleeding Heart. Sick & Tired. Patronize me: Image by @mayakern

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